This book is getting more and more forgettable as I go. I actually have to look back at my previous play by play to figure out what happened last, although I do remember that Zeb finally showed up. Wearing a turban.
Pretty princess Reynilda showed up. Andrea is jealous despite Cnut being pretty clear that he’s all about Andrea and not Reynilda. We slutshame Reynilda a lot. Thorkel and Dyna get married. Zeb asks Andrea if she wants to go back to Philadelphia. Oh, and apparently Reynilda poisons people.
Epigraph: Road trip with a demon…
Cnut is alone in the bedroom with Reynilda, looking for her maid. The maid and her brother both disappeared and oh my god apparently the brother and sister slept together? Why. Why do we do this. Why is incest so fascinating to writers? (Lookin’ at you, Cassandra Clare.)
Zeb’s demon vampires are “feasting” on all the evil people that have disappeared—the sibs, the men who raped the village women—and probably eventually Reynilda. There’s no way this conversation goes well, and I bet Andrea’s gonna walk in and it’ll look like they were about to have sex and it’s gonna be more jealousy. I’ll keep you informed.
Cnut literally just said “I am a Viking vampire angel sent by God to kill demon vampires, and save evil humans before it is too late.” With a delivery like that, it’s no wonder Reynilda laughed at you. And then made a joke that he had a small dick now, because that’s how weight loss works.
OH MY GOD. So she literally rips the top of her dress off and then Cnut (in his head) is like “hmm, nice boobs” and then is like “I’ve got to drink a little of your blood and give you a little of my blood” and this is so weird.
Oh, so it’s Zeb that breaks in and bites Reynilda, who then dissolves away (apparently tasting like lemon meringue pie). Only after all of this does Cnut remember Andrea, who did not bust into the room because Zeb says she’s back in Philadelphia.
A wave of relief, and utter grief, overcame Cnut. He would never see Andrea again, he just knew it. And his premonition came true when Zeb grabbed him in a tight bear hug—or you could say, a Lucipire hug—catching him off guard, and they began a swirling ascent up up up through space, spinning and spinning until Cnut was so dizzy he could only hold one. Zeb was a more powerful Lucipre than Cnut had thought, and he’d known him to be strong before. No way could Cnut fight him off!
And then he prays and Zeb laughs at him and that is such an awful paragraph it makes me ill.
Epigraph two: Home, Sweet Home…
Andrea’s in Philadelphia. She’s trying to figure out what to do. She’s been gone for a week. ISIS is still killing things. The FBI broke up the ISIS recruiting ring in Montana three days ago. Is that the FBI’s job? Wouldn’t that be the NSA? I don’t know how alphabet-soup government agencies work.
Celie is also in Andrea’s apartment. Ugh this is awful and really racist. She’s talking about her time at the ranch and this girl is an idiot. I have precisely zero sympathy for her. What the hell.
Celie says she was rescued by “some really cool guys” wearing long capes and carrying swords. She thinks they might have been special forces in disguise. Can we talk about the disguises special forces probably uses? I’m betting it isn’t capes and swords.
But Celie is now going to Côte d’ Azur and is gonna cruise around in a yacht. Good. I hate this girl. Also “Andrea didn’t have the heart to say that Celie burned toast and once got spaghetti sauce on the ceiling.” The ceiling part is impressive, but everyone has burned toast. That is actually just part and parcel of having a toaster.
So Andrea’s father gave her $200 and she’s going to cash the check at her job (that she hasn’t shown up at in a week) and go to Transylvania, Pennsylvania to look for Cnut. On $200. Hopefully her car was filled with gas and the turnpike doesn’t have many tolls.
Menu epigraph: A Little Island Meal
This is a boring menu. Moving on.
Epigraph: Tears of a Viking…
Cnut and Zeb are in the Caribbean. And Zeb is drinking Bud Light. You’re a demon, dude, you can afford the full calories of an actual Budweiser.
So Zeb told Cnut to go fishing and he would pick some plants for dinner. And Cnut goes, because I’m not going to go hunting for answers when I’ve been kidnapped across time and space to the Caribbean, definitely not.
Later, when they’re eating dinner, Zeb tells Cnut all the things Jasper would do to him: Feed him until he’s 800 pounds, then starve him until he’s skeletal; then inject him with super sex hormones (hang on, I’ve read this fic); then physically torture him. Really that’s actually not all that creative. I’d think someone of Jasper’s reputation would be more creative.
Hahahaha omg, so Cnut asks Zeb if he’s taking him to Jasper and he says he doesn’t know. Then we get a brief aside on Zeb’s eyelashes.
A rather sad smile that didn’t reach his brown eyes that had, yes, incredibly long lashes.
Cnut had to admit that Zeb was a good-looking guy, just as Andrea had said, long eyelashes and all.
They try to problem-solve. Zeb doesn’t want to work for Jasper, but knows he probably won’t become a vangel. Michael’s an asshole. I think if they just stopped calling a fucking Archangel “Mike” it might do a lot to improve his temper.
He finally thinks to ask about Andrea who is “safe no matter where you end up.” Which makes me wonder… if Jasper kills Cnut while/after torturing him, then Andrea dies. So how is that safe?
So Cnut wakes up and Zeb left a note saying there’s a forcefield around the island that’ll disappear in 24 hours and to pray for him. Apparently Cnut knows what Zeb’s gonna do, but I have no idea what Zeb’s gonna do. Presumably not give him to Jasper, because he would have just done that. But, like… run away? Go for Michael? Talk to Vikar? You were not clear enough, author, in telling me what Zeb is going to do.
Epigraph 2: Are you there, God? It’s me, Andrea…
Side note: I need to decide if I’m going with “epigraph two” or “epigraph 2” and be done with it. Fortunately, I am almost done with this book, so I don’t have to decide.
Andrea ends up in Transylvania, Pennsylvania (I love that, honestly. Good rhythm.) She gets stopped at the gate by another arrogant viking (her words, not mine) and asks for Vikar. When she says she’s Cnut’s lifemate the guy lets her through and makes a phone call.
She’s met at the gate by a bunch of Vikings, and you would honestly think that after all this time, they would know how to ask questions without sounding like a bunch of overeager teenagers, but apparently not. They all start talking at the same time, and Alex (the wife of one of the brothers, presumably) rescues her and takes her inside to where the Sigurdsson vikings are waiting.
And they do a lot of talking about haha, what they must have thought when Cnut showed back up and wow, weird, we’re doing backward time travel again? and geez, Zeb really sucks. Which, idk about you, but if I’m a person who’s actually capable of like, fighting and stuff, and someone goes “hey, a family member of yours has been kidnapped” I’m not gonna make jokes about how he used to be fat.
Can we stop with the fatshaming.
So they pray a little bit and—I actually laughed out loud at this—Cnut walked in the door. Andrea fainted.
Quick aside: Andrea references “an old saying” “pray to god, but pass the ammunition,” but if the Dixie Chicks and Wikipedia are right, it’s “praise the lord and pass the ammunition.”