Lucky number 13 on October 31. This has to be a good sign. I can’t wait.
Okay, last time Zeb sent Andrea back to Philadelphia and kidnapped Cnut, then disappeared off to do something. Supposedly Cnut knows what it is, but us readers were not given enough information, although presumably he’s going to face Jasper. Time will tell. Celie is fine and also back in Philadelphia. Andrea went galavanting off to talk to Cnut’s siblings to rescue Cnut. He walked in the door. She fainted. Boom.
Epigraph: Interview with an archangel…
Ugh, don’t steal from Anne Rice. She’s better than you.
Apparently they decided to sedate Andrea after she fainted because… because I don’t know. That doesn’t make sense.
Zeb went to Horror we know now. Good. And Cnut’s going to try to rescue him, but he needs his brothers and Michael. But he also thinks there’s going to be hell to pay (haha) by him because… because Michael sent him back in time? Because he slept with someone who’s become his lifemate that like half of his brothers have? Why would he get in more trouble than any of them? Why would Michael keep fighting this if it clearly keeps happening? I’m very confused.
Michael’s “full archangelic regalia” is… really uninspiring. “Long white robe, rope belt, wooden crucifix hanging from his neck, eyes blazing, long dark hair flying, his wings fully extended.” And he has a sword, because, well actually I feel like Michael would frequently have a sword.
I’m much more intimidated by angels in well-tailored suits.
Okay, so an argument can be made that Viggo Mortensen isn’t exactly in a well-tailored suit, and also that he’s Lucifer so not in the most technical of terms the kind of angel I’m referring to, but Eric Roberts plays Michael in The Prophecy 2, and I’m looking for any excuse to put more Viggo in my life. (You’re welcome, Amanda.) I want to watch The Prophecy again. It’s not great, but oh man, I love it.
Anyway, they have a “throne-like Queen Anne chair” which is really unimpressive and a weird detail to include. Michael turns on Cnut and is all “What. Have. You. Done?” which works in texting but I can imagine a more… you know… better way to put it. A more better way, even.
Haha, okay I was a little amused by this. Cnut, in his best imitation of a kid, says he’s done nothing. Michael asks if that excuses him and Cnut basically just goes “uh no?” Which is great because he was all “I’m standing my ground” in the previous paragraph and he’s definitely not standing his ground here.
But Michael is talking about Zeb and says “half-cocked” and the next paragraph Cnut is wondering when angels use the word “cock.” Friendly reminder that those are (I’m pretty sure) two different uses of the word. But I’m sitting in public with my back to people, and I don’t want to be googling “word origin of cock” with anyone behind me. God only knows what’s going to show up.
Everyone is dumb. Cnut was all “Zeb’s better than me” and Michael’s all “yeah but he’s a demon” and then Vikar is like “yeah but this all went down before Cnut even met his lifemate” and then Michael bless him comes up with the same question I had: So what happens to Andrea in this case? Either she dies very quickly or she spends eternity knowing that Cnut’s probably being tortured, like, forever.
Michael is the MVP of this entire book so far. I am #TeamMichael
Here, have a Michael (but not the one you were expecting, I bet).
Michael literally threw his hands up in disgust. A) Not very angelic. B) Same, bro. Same. No wonder he’s crabby all the time. I would be too. I want a book where we figure out exactly what Michael did to piss off God so much that he’s stuck with these guys.
So Cnut says he just won’t marry Andrea and that he’ll trade places with Zeb because he’s been “overpowered by guilt” (overwhelmed, maybe?) for the last twenty-four hours, because one day translates to an eternity of torture, and Michael disappears and literally goes “Vikings! The plague of my life!” (The Packers think the same thing, bro.)
Epigraph 2: When love is not enough…
Andrea wakes up. We get a couple paragraphs about the Amish quilt and the “very spare” bedroom she’s in. Leaded glass window, which… I’m pretty sure they don’t make anymore. I thought this castle was new.
She goes looking for Cnut and finds the kitchen. What I’m understanding from an entire lifetime of reading is that someone always finds the kitchen. Looking for the dungeons? Go through the kitchens. Trying to find the throne room? Probably past the kitchens.
Apparently the woman in the kitchen is Lizzie Borden. Or she introduced herself that way. Did we talk about her already? Was I already surprised by her existence? I’ve already forgotten. She told Andrea she can have the kitchen because the Vikings don’t know the difference between rivels and dumplings, but neither do I.
Apparently they’re small dumplings? I’m confused. Moving on.
Lizzie directed Andrea to Cnut. They hug. Aw. He still feels guilty. And nobody has thought to Google Viking settlements to see if they can find Hoggstead to find out what happened to it.
She wants to marry him. He hasn’t quite told her what happens yet.
Oh my god.
“But, can’t you see, if I go after Zeb, if Michael gives his approval, I would already be sealing your fate? Instant death for you, or centuries of living alone knowing I am living in an exile of torture. An impossible situation!”
Somebody help me. “Andrea gasped.” I hope there was a CSI fade to black and then
So Michael eventually comes back (after the opening credits roll, I assume) and we find out that Zeb’s in Satan’s hands, so my picture of Lucifer up there was relevant, just a little early. Michael apparently is actually crying? I’m real confused. Either he gives no shits or he gives shits.
He now just says we pray for Zeb and move on with our lives. People are crying. I’m over it. I rather liked Zeb, but clearly we cut our losses and run. It’s the end of the book, right? So…
Oh my god I actually thought there would be more. I was expecting a quick snatch and grab.
Epigraph: A happy ending, somewhat…
“Despite the dark cloud of Zeb hanging over them, Andrea and Cnut were married two weeks later”
…Okay, I was kidding about cutting our losses, guys.
Celie, Vikar, Andrea’s parents, Sonja, Vik… she listed Vikar twice. First as best man and then as a guest. But then also his wife and their kids. So teeny wedding.
But then they got married a few days later in Transylvania, Pennsylvania with Michael officiating. Jesus shitting Christ, Ivak’s son was named Mikey after Michael. I’m so upset by this revelation and I’m not sure why.
There’s lots of kids. People are dressed as Vikings or either in black tie and cocktail dresses. Vangels are supposed to still defeat ISIS, then Michael takes off. Please. Take me with you. I can’t take this book anymore.
The reception is rock music, because of course it is. The brothers did “an amazing Michael dance to ‘Chains, Chains, Chains.'” Somebody help me. Andrea and Cnut got their peppermint/coconut cake. That is so out of place for a wedding cake.
OH MY GOD.
So we have another “sex spot” called Angel’s Kiss. And Andrea said “I read somewhere that if a woman eats enough peppermint sticks, she will taste like peppermint… you know… down there.”
Say it with me now: THAT’S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS.
Epigraph 2: And the story continues…
Zeb… ew. That’s gross. Ew.
Jasper is all gloaty. Zeb is there forever. Dun dun dun. (I bet he’s not there forever, especially because I found his book in a bookstore.)
There’s an authors note at the end where she talks about how similar Old Norse and Icelandic are. Then there’s a glossary and I refuse to acknowledge it because I’ll spend another thousand words picking it apart.
Guys, I need a drink. It’s your turn for the next one. Somebody do the Zeb one.